Its Been a While

its been a while, not only for posting blogs but for many other things as well.

Relationship troubles are some of the worst you can have, and if you're going through any right now, then I completely understand. I have been hurt so many times in my year long relationship, Ohh wait a year and one month today, I didn't even realise.
My problem is that I forgive too easily. Take christmas for example, my boyfriend told me he cheated on me and after about 4 days I was like "I forgive you". I don't tell him that sometimes at night that I still picture him kissing another girl and I cry.
Except its much more than crying, its physical pain. I can't breathe, my chest aches for breath and release, I open my mouth and scream but no sound comes out. This is much more than crying. This is like being broken into a million tiny pieces and not being able to be put back together. You may think its just one drunken kiss, but until it happens to you, you will never feel that inexpicable pain. The pain that is much more than pain itself.
Now recently I never see my boyfriend anymore, outside of college and during college its no time at all. Its putting strain on our relationship and all we do is argue. Sometimes I think this relationship is bad for me, just because I'm in so deep. But I once told my boyfriend "no matter how much you hurt me, I could never tell you to leave", now that doesn't sound like a give and take relationship to me. It sounds like I give and you take and take, and I'm exhausted.

For now, its just easier to be dead inside, I don't have to feel, I can plaster that fake smile across my face and laugh and joke with my friends. I can't feel pain because if you're dead, you don't feel pain. If I ever think about him and her then I just remind myself that I can't feel anymore.

This may seem like a depressing post, but it helps to get things off my chest.

**********************************************************************************
Inside I hope you know
I'm dying
With my heat beside me
In shattered pieces
That may never be replaced
And
If I died right now
You'd never be the same